And I woke up anxious as hell this morning worrying about the timing of this cycle. It is a whole new roller coaster this time around and…Yes, yes we have been neglecting writing recently. We have both been doing the very best we can to stay present in our moments to get through our days and that means there isn’t a whole lot left in the tank to do any thoughtful writing. I thought being up early with my butter coffee and a few quiet moments before the day begins was a good time to just get it all out.
First, I want to share with you a dear gift we received from a genuine, full-hearted friend after we heard the news that our science experiment hadn’t worked last month. Laura sent us a text with a picture of her work that night and it made me cry so hard I could barely speak. I think I had been in shock up until that moment and unwilling to ruin a night out with friends by weeping and feeling sorry for ourselves. And, in my usual way, made a joke too…and inside joke we have with two other best friends – “Vulva!!” Laughter always helps me! Anyway, please head over and read her blog post and see the gift she created for us – it will hang in our room to remind us of the beauty within all of this science.
So, let’s play catch up with what’s been up with us – Anne-Marie has been taking an 8 week Psych course as a pre-req for nursing school and with it being only 8 weeks (and two of them were canceled for a holiday and snow) she has had a test or a project every week. Oh, and her truck blew up so we were down to one car for a bit before one of our village lent us her jeep. Poor timing right now, but we are beyond grateful for the kindness of our friends. We had to give the jeep back yesterday and now have another friend willing to lend us a car. Our village rules!
Anne-Marie and I both have been taking on extra jobs too to make extra money to pay for the hormones (they are as much or more than a monthly car payment) and for the 4 doc appointments I have before every cycle and the several I have during and after too. One of those extra jobs is one we both LOVE doing under our Brute Yogi handle – programming! We have been programming for some pretty amazing humans, new to working out…training for a marathon…just needing some assistance being more badass. We love it AND it takes a TON of time to do it well and personalize it for each person. Our brains are usually fried to far to do any writing after that too.
Soooooo….today is Cycle 2 Day 12. I had not ovulated as of yesterday, not for not trying to see it with the 4 ultrasounds and 3 blood draws I had in a week. Last cycle we did the IUI on Day 11, so this cycle is way off…probably from all the hormones I had shoved in to my body last cycle.
We did have a one on one with Dr. Robin to discuss what happened during Cycle 1 and to have a game plan for Cycle 2. Basically, Cycle 1 wasn’t ideal – I had only one egg/follicle that grew and it grew a lot and big, so much so that it ended up being over-ripe when it came time for the sperm to meet her. My estrogen was also an issue which was why I was popping Estradiol 3 times a day. Anne-Marie and I also believe that the sperm weren’t vibrating at as high of a frequency energetically as they could be if they were fresh (that’s the yogi/hippie/spiritual side of us.)
We did finally get to ask Dr. Robin directly about why it was that we had to pay for the protocol for an unknown donor with Walter when if we were a straight couple with a known donor, we would be allowed to use a fresh sample. She explained to us that the FDA regulate it in order to protect the [me] from anything Walter may be able to pass on to me without my consent – if we were consenting to have sex already, it wouldn’t be an issue. But we continued pressing and asking and finally got a meeting with the embryologist at New Hope who was very open and kind and receptive and glad we posed this question. She said that as long as we signed a waiver, she was good with it and actually preferred to do it all with a live sample anyway. (If only we had asked sooner, we could’ve saved $1,000……!?!?) I sincerely hope that from all of this, they will now offer this option if and when another couple comes in in our same situation.
This week of appointments and blood draws and ultrasounds – this week that has forced me to cancel massage clients and personal training clients last minute – this week that has not given us any time at all yet again to get to the gym or on our mats…this week did bring us what felt like more hopeful news though…All four follicles/eggs were growing this time (although, I apparently don’t respond to the Femara because I still only had one growing larger than the rest). My estrogen levels are normal. My lining is growing normally. No fibroids aren’t of any concern. And Walter gets to give a live sample and be there again for the IUI on…..Monday.
Like I said, I am “off” this cycle. When we went in yesterday I could tell I wasn’t ovulating. I can always tell – here is some more TMI, but you ladies need to learn this stuff about your bodies – I get a little crampy and the egg white stuff starts dripping out of my vag at any random moment throughout the day or when I pee. That hasn’t happened yet and my LH levels were too low yesterday. Today though…I think I’m starting to ovulate and this is what woke me up early this morning. What if we miss it?! Kat’s nurse called last night to say to have Anne-Marie give me the HCG trigger shot tonight at 10pm and then we come in Monday morning for the IUI. Now that I feel my egg starting to drop, what if we miss it?! I will trust…they are the professionals…I will pray and I will enjoy my wife’s birthday weekend (DO NOT TELL ME TO FUCKING RELAX though…) I will try hard not to worry about the needle she’s going to stick in my ass cheek again tonight…it will call for a glass of wine that’s for sure!
Namaste Strong, y’all! XO Lisa