Internal Thoughts

I’m a mess…


I’ve started this blog post about 3,425 times and rewritten it just as many times.  There are so many things that I’ve wanted to write down, so many emotions that have occurred, and yet I still haven’t found the fingers on the keyboard to get it all out.

As you may have gathered, the second IUI cycle was a bust.  Lisa knew.  She could tell she wasn’t pregnant before the blood draw on March 23rd.  We’re getting pretty used to this rejection unfortunately.  This makes 8 months of active “tries” and this shit’s getting old to say the least.  In Lisa’s words, she wants to “make a baby” for me – and I want this for her.  To continually feel this denial is one of the more painful things I’ve had to experience.  To feel like “oh this might be the month” and then “FUCK….” …silence…tears, and “no, we’re sorry you’re not pregnantAGAIN.  I know that a lot of our fellow bloggers have felt this exact roller coaster of emotions themselves, so this isn’t news to you.  It’s definitely the first time I’ve felt like this.


Our visit with Dr Robin this past week brought about more emotions than I had anticipated.  Basically, with Lisa’s advanced maternal age Dr Robin would have suggested that we try IVF by now.  However, that’s just not possible for us financially and we’ve taken that out of our line of thinking from the beginning.  If we were able to go that route we’d take my eggs and implant them in to her nest (I stole that from another blogger…the whole eggs in her nest thing).  Again…not possible…so, what is?  We’ve tried two cycles with Femera without much response.  Our next option to increase the odds is to try some powerful follicle stimulating hormones, Follistim.  This option may also require a few other drugs to help control the LH surge, ovulation, etc.  Basically we’re controlling Lisa’s cycle as much as we can to increase the chances of fertilization.

Here’s a sticky point.  These drugs are not cheap.  We are not wealthy.  I hit a breaking point.  I almost lost my shit.

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I told my wife “I don’t want this that bad”.  I feel awful for saying that in the midst of some pretty serious emotions.  I do want this, I do want to share a life with a child that my wife and I raise together (and our village of amazing people).  I can see a little person strapped in to their car seat in the back of our Honda.  I can imagine tucking our baby in to their crib at night.  I can conjure up our child’s voice yelling “mom” from the yard wanting a snack.  I can see this happening.  We have what it takes to be amazing parents.

And……I am afraid.  If we cannot afford to “make” a child, can we afford to feed and care for a child?  I am anxious.  How are we going to afford this cycle?  I hate money, the lack of at times, the accumulation of much before loosing it all again, and the denial of financial reality has caused this very unhealthy relationship.  I am frustrated.  I cannot make any more money and I want to be able to provide for my wife in that way – at this point I cannot.  Why does this have to cost so much?  I am sad.  This is a decision that I would not have made with any other person on this earth.  I could play the what if game all day, but the reality is we fell in love later in life (later only in terms of maternal age) and this adds to the challenge of trying to conceive.  I feel helpless.  My wife tells me that she feels her body has failed her, and this is a pain I cannot put in to words for you to comprehend.   She tells me that she feels that this is all her fault.  I have no words to help ease her pain, frustration, sadness.  I cannot fix this.  This sorrow is almost too much to bear and I just want my wife to be happy no matter the cost.

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I’m not great at outwardly sharing my feelings and emotions – you have to REALLY know me to even get a glimpse.  I’m accused of walling up, spacing out, keeping it all in, retreating, running, you name it I’ve tried it – all in an effort to not feel.  As my nephew says so eloquently, “I’ll do it myshelf” (he can’t quite say self yet). So, yeah, I need help.  We need help.  Even if I push you away and try to hide.  Of course I want to sacrifice any aid and ship it all to my wife, that’s just who I am.  I want her to have the world on a platter.  In order to even remotely come close to giving her all she deserves I know I have to learn to accept the support and aid of my village.  I’m nothing without that.


We didn’t know, until we asked.  And we could not be more grateful, surprised, thrilled, speechless….YOU ALL ARE FUCKING AMAZING.

In just 12 hours of the campaign posting – THIS happened. Support is still pouring in. Wow. Just wow. We love you guys, seriously, there is some kinda crazy love in our hearts for you.

3 thoughts on “I’m a mess…”

  1. That’s what I’m going through now. I don’t have any answers. My current plan is to see a therapist to unpack all of my thoughts and process them on a coherent manner, since none of them feel obviously wrong but they tend to be conflicting.

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  2. I understand this post so well, and it brought tears to my eyes, as I too remember what it was like to be in your shoes. When my wife was going through the same thing, she cried, I cried, we cried together. It was so difficult to internalize the disappointment that I was feeling to be able to comfort her in her greatest time of need. Try after try, and negative after negative, i held it all in. I tried to find the words to comfort her, but nothing was good enough. I came to realize that sometimes, just holding her hand as we laid in bed, with her head on my shoulder soaking my flannel PJ’s, was enough. That no words were needed. You both understand this pain, and I’m so sorry that yo have to go through this. It’s truly blows…i’m thinking of you ladies, and I hope that it all gets better soon.

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