FAQs about getting knocked up

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We’ve decided to document our journey publicly as you may have noticed.  This means you get to see the beauty, chaos, romance, fear, laughter, tears – ALL OF IT.  See this post if you missed it, it will give you a little insight as to why we’ve decided to come out.  While we realize that putting ourselves out their publicly comes with a decent amount of responsibility, transparency, and the freedom to ask us questions (we want you to!) – it does not mean that we’ll answer all of them.  Our hope is that since our village has supported us through this journey so far, that this will find someone or some couple out there that may questioning this process (not that there’s will be exactly the same either).

  1. Who’s going to carry the baby?
    1. It wasn’t even a question, Lisa will be the nest.  If you don’t know who Lisa is, look on the Who are we? page.
  2. Who’s the mom?
    1. Ok, so this is more post birth of the baby, but it goes along with the oldy, but goody “Who’s the boy/male/husband?” when referring to a lesbian relationship specifically (I know gay men get this as well).  That’s the thing.  WE ARE BOTH THE MOM’S!  That’s the point.  WE ARE BOTH WOMEN, that’s the point.  While one of us carried the baby it DOES NOT make either of us more or less the mother.  Think about blended families? Adoption?  Or any other family network that doesn’t meet the mommy, daddy, baby, picket fence definition.  If you’re really curious who had the baby, see #1 above.
  3. Are you going to use a sperm bank or is it someone you know?
    1. We chose to use a known donor.  His name is Walter.  He’s handsome, has one of the kindest souls, big smile, giant heart, he’s well read and intelligent, he’s awesome.
  4. Doesn’t he want to have kids of his own?  What about his partner?  What does he think about all of this?
    1. It’s hard to speak for someone’s choices, so we’re not going to.  If you want to know his thoughts, it’s best to ask him.  However, some of your answers may be found in #9.
  5. Is artificial insemination expensive?
    1. Pause.  Take a breath.  Now, ask me that question again.  You probably know the answer without even asking.  I’ll help you out a little bit.  YES IT’S MUTHA FUCKIN EXPENSIVE.  And so are kids.  And so is life.  We are lucky in that we get to choose this entire journey.  We know exactly how this is going to happen (romantic, huh?).  We have chosen to go the IUI (intrauterine) route vs IVF (in-vitro fertilization, where they pull eggs and inseminate them in a petri dish and then put them back in) route because it is cheaper.  We also chose this because it is the closest to natural insemination as we could get without #6 below.  If we were to go the IVF route there would be a distinct possibility Lisa would be the nest for Anne-Marie’s eggs.  Check out Her Nest, My Eggs, they have called it quits, but document their journey in something like that.
  6. Oh, are you going to have sex with him?  Wouldn’t that just be easier, cheaper, and maybe increase your chances?
    1. Would you be ok with your significant other just going and having sex with someone else in hopes that they would get that significant other pregnant?  Some of you may say yes to this, we however do not and consider it disrespectful to our relationship and to Walter and his partner for your to consider that a possibility.  Sure, it could be cheaper financially – but it WILL NOT make this easier or increase our chances in any way (do your homework, it is a miracle anyone gets pregnant to begin with).
  7. If Lisa can’t carry for some reason, will you?
    1. Anne-Marie here….and No.  I will not be carrying a child if Lisa cannot.
  8. Why not?  Doesn’t every female want to have a baby?  Couldn’t you just take one for the team?  Oh!  It would be so awesome if you two could have a baby at the SAME TIME!  
    1. Let me save you a little time.  NO it will not save us time or be awesome for both of us to be pregnant at the same time!  Are you serious?  We don’t want to be your little circus side show fantasy, thank you.  And NO, not every female wants or has the desire to have a baby.  Anne-Marie here – I’ve always wanted to have a child but not have a child.  I do not have the urge, instinct, whatever to have a little person grow inside of me – not even a little bit.  More power to you if you do, but I know my place and birthing a child is not it.
  9. Will Walter be the dad?
    1. Interesting question.  Yes, logistically speaking, he will be the dad.  If you are asking if Walter will have a roll in the child’s life, then that’s an entirely different question.  Yes, he will be part of this theoretical child’s life but will not have any financial or custody requirements.  Does that help?  We know it can be confusing when there is a known donor involved.  However, there are some things that we will continue to keep private out of respect for all parties involved.
  10. Are you going to have to change your lifestyle?
    1. Again…interesting question.  When we’ve been asked this we’ve asked for clarification and have had some interesting responses (at least we think they’re interesting).
      1. “Are you going to have to change your diet?”  Since Lisa already eats really well already, no.  We do our best to eat real food with known origins, we’re not perfect nor do we want to be.  However, just because I’m a little protective I will provide her some more vegetables :-).  Lisa is also very gluten intolerant, so she will be avoiding it at all costs.  Lisa has been asked “How are you going to get all of your grains if you don’t eat bread, pasta, etc?”  “You know you’re going to have to start eating gluten.”  Since it is basically POISON to her body, she WILL NOT be eating it.  Stop asking.  If you were allergic to peanut butter, would you just eat a little bit?  No, didn’t think so.
      2. “Are you going to stop working out?  Will you stop lifting?”  No.  Lisa has been an athlete all of her life.  And why, when she’s already physically strong, would she want to change to being a couch potato?  It wouldn’t be healthy for her, thus it wouldn’t be healthy for the baby.  She’s also a dedicated yogi who really knows how to listen to her body and its needs.  If the professionals suggest otherwise, then we will of course do what’s best for she and the baby.
  11. Are you going to have to go on bedrest?
    1. We aren’t even fucking pregnant yet!  Seriously?  How could we even know the answer to this?  Good grief.
  12. Now that you are pregnant, isn’t Lisa “high risk”?  What kind of precautions are you going to have to take?
    1. So, I paraphrased this question because we’ve heard it asked in SO many ways.  Yes, Lisa is considered high risk simply because she is 42.  However, that’s currently the only thing that is making her high risk.  She is very healthy, and her hormone levels and ultrasounds confirm that.

2 thoughts on “FAQs about getting knocked up

  1. I hadn’t read this when you wrote it, so just did. Thanks for all that information.

    I hope I don’t mess up your blog/forum. I gotta say I’m dumbstruck at how many people you know who are or were struck dumb with those invasive, naive and tasteless questions. I wonder, do people who make babies the ‘normal way’ get them too?

    But then, yeah, I remember … I got a lot of those questions when my first husband and I chose adoption to complete our family. From another country no less. With two teenagers already in the picture. Suffice it to say we heard them all (the dumb questions).

    My personal favorites: 1) After the adoption at the ‘baby shower’ with my handsome 2-year old son entertaining the ‘church lady’ set from my office at a brunch (picture china tea cups and women wearing dresses. Oh, and me, in jeans with a sugar-infused toddler who couldn’t stop touching all things breakable in the parlour): “You don’t know anything about his real parents? Is he legitimate?” I think I choked on my crumpet.
    2) From a colleague, old enough to know better but clearly struck dumb: “Whose fault is it that you can’t get pregnant — yours or his?” I controlled the social tourettes urge and invoked a tactic from Dear Abby, “What would make you ask that question?” Win one for the abnormal mommy!

    Really, really, really impressed by you two — now three women. Namaste.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Holy cow Lori! I may have choked on my crumpet at those questions too! With our immersion in yoga training I can safely say that I have learned the art of the “pause”, but not always the art of “holding back my facial responses” as my jaw just dropped reading this.

      Like

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